This week has seen the last 2 days of the holidays and the first 3 days back to school and pre school. I don't want to say 'back to normal' as quite frankly my normal is not getting up at 7am and turning into an army cadet ordering instructions every 5 minutes. That is not normal.
However, I do quite like the routine side of school weeks. I like that I know where I stand in the week, and I like that we have structure to our days. Don't get me wrong, I am holding on to every ounce of the holidays still and those fairy lights are staying put. Forever. My god am I ready for the holidays within 2 weeks of being back, but for just those first few days of routine it really is quite nice. And when I walk back through the door and I switch on the music, get on with uninterrupted chores and sing really bloody loudly, I forget about the stressful 2 hours that followed me rolling out of bed. The 2 days a week that I get to myself really is quite lovely. I think being apart from them those 2 days (or all 5 with the boys at school!) really does make me appreciate the time we spend together more. I am a better Mum for it so I have no shame in admitting I enjoy being on my own a couple of times a week!
So in our last 2 days of holiday we laughed a lot, danced a lot more and we enjoyed our time spent together before the mad rush of school started again. Christmas definitely gave me some perspective too and that has pushed on through the beginning of January. We made some big decisions this week and one of which I am feeling so content about now. (after having a HUGE wobble. Huge.) I have decided to not pursue my dream in becoming a midwife yet. The thought of not being around on birthdays or Christmas due to shift work, fills me with such sadness. I want to enjoy them being at school and I love being part of the PTFA, I love helping out on the school trips and doing the drop offs and pick ups. It suddenly dawned on me that they are only going to be this small once, sounds ridiculous but I think I let my head run away with it and I didn't realise how much of a commitment it would be. I kinda thought my photography business was over and I had settled down by September last year thinking my time was up and I needed to move on.
I don't want to miss all the little things, I know I would regret it in 20 years when they are all grown up with their own families and I wonder where their childhood went.
It doesn't mean I'll never do it, but I just can't do it right now. And I know deep down it is the right decision for us all even if I do feel hugely disappointed in myself.
Having had so much grief in my life, I get the odd day where it is put to the back of my mind, but the majority of the time I have the mantra of 'We get one shot, make the most of it.' And I think Joe is slowly coming around to that too. Why spend the next 5 years+ being completely stressed out trying to make a career work when I have a perfectly great career ahead of me in photography (I hope!). So I am going to spend the time that would have been spent studying, trying to own this whole self employment lark. I want to do it properly and I want to smash it.
This year is going to see a lot of me stopping the change instead of striving for it. So much of my head space is spent wondering what could happen, what may not happen or what I could be if something changed. I need to change that. You heard it hear first.
I don't want to miss all the little things, I know I would regret it in 20 years when they are all grown up with their own families and I wonder where their childhood went.
It doesn't mean I'll never do it, but I just can't do it right now. And I know deep down it is the right decision for us all even if I do feel hugely disappointed in myself.
Having had so much grief in my life, I get the odd day where it is put to the back of my mind, but the majority of the time I have the mantra of 'We get one shot, make the most of it.' And I think Joe is slowly coming around to that too. Why spend the next 5 years+ being completely stressed out trying to make a career work when I have a perfectly great career ahead of me in photography (I hope!). So I am going to spend the time that would have been spent studying, trying to own this whole self employment lark. I want to do it properly and I want to smash it.
This year is going to see a lot of me stopping the change instead of striving for it. So much of my head space is spent wondering what could happen, what may not happen or what I could be if something changed. I need to change that. You heard it hear first.
So we did nothing fancy this week, went to the farm and took advantage of their very quiet soft play, watched a couple of films and had an extra bubbly bath (pictures of bath time here!) Harvey spent the weekend with his Dad so it didn't leave me too many opportunities to photograph his cheeky face towards the end of the week!
